New Year’s Resolution in July

In case you missed our Facebook live wedding of the century you can find it on my Facebook page…

www.facebook.com/StefaniRoseMusic

It was by far the most spontaneous thing I have ever done.

Besides finally getting married we made a huge announcement. We are having a new baby this new year!  My husband and I are both thrilled.  We really wanted to have one more!!! I know some of you may think we are crazy but we really felt like our family was not complete.

We have 3 amazing kids but the age gap is pretty extreme.  My oldest is 10 and our youngest is 1, with an 8 year old in the middle.  We wanted to balance things out a little and try for another girl.

We had a few bumps along the way.  Our first month of “trying” lead to a miscarriage, which was pretty devastating for me.  I never had experienced anything like it.  It is said to be very common but after having 3 normal healthy pregnancies, I never thought much about it.  It sucks! It breaks your heart in ways I never knew possible.  We got through it and decided to keep trying and here we are 18 weeks and counting.

I have done a lot of things differently with this pregnancy because of the miscarriage, I had all the genetics pre-screens and I am doing all the optional testing because I want to make sure this baby is healthy.  Once you are over 35 you are considered “high risk”.  It sucks!! You start to doubt your body and wonder should I have really agreed to this.  Those are temporary thoughts though and drift away with a simple baby belly flutter.

The thoughts that have been staying are the thoughts about being an “older mom” and the future.  There are things about myself that I really want to change, mostly my outlook  on life and how I spend my time.

Right now I am floating in this in between space, I have been a bit lost the past few weeks.  I felt like I truly got through my divorce after 3 years of drama.  I finally built up my independence but then the my business sold, we are buying a house, Daniel and I tied the knot and went from being business partners with a baby to a real no bullshit family.  What does this mean for me?

Were all my feminist ideals about being independent lost when I said I do?  Did I lose my identity when I sold my business? Am I really too old to have another baby? Do I have to reinvent myself, again?

In a lot of way yes and in a lot of ways no.

I did not change my last name and my husband does not expect me to.  I might one day but for now I can still be me, just married.  So I am holding on to a little part of my feministic ideals but allowing myself to be happy.

I had to find a new job.  It took me a while but I am so happy! I am back to working with kids again and teaching.  The best part is I am still an independent contractor and make my own hours and I never have to leave home.  The entrepreneur life for me!!

I think my age is irrelevant.  I feel great and I am totally healthy.  I am ready to have this baby.  I know lots of “older moms” who never missed a beat.  This is not my first rodeo so I think I will be ok.

I do think I need to reinvent myself because I was stuck in the between.  I think I was trying so hard to not go back to being “just a stay at home mom” that I forgot how much I actually enjoyed it sometimes.  I think I was almost afraid to say I wanted to find a way to work but be close to home.  I think selling the business was a risk and a huge “what if” but I am glad we did it and I am excited to be less stressed.

So here we are in July and I want to make a resolution to allow myself to shine and get out of my own way.  I need to stop focusing on what I lost or do not have and start to see all the potential again.   I need to be happy in the moment and be present with my kids, and my husband not always searching for the next client or opportunity.   I need to work when it’s time to work and let things go when I am off the clock.  I need to allow myself to live and not push so hard for success that failure feels like it’s chasing me.

Being an entrepreneur is hard.

Being a mom at any age is hard.

Being a wife is hard.

Here is to my mid year resolution and doing it the hard way!!

 

 

 

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