New Year’s Resolution in July

In case you missed our Facebook live wedding of the century you can find it on my Facebook page…

It was by far the most spontaneous thing I have ever done.

Besides finally getting married we made a huge announcement. We are having a new baby this new year!  My husband and I are both thrilled.  We really wanted to have one more!!! I know some of you may think we are crazy but we really felt like our family was not complete.

We have 3 amazing kids but the age gap is pretty extreme.  My oldest is 10 and our youngest is 1, with an 8 year old in the middle.  We wanted to balance things out a little and try for another girl.

We had a few bumps along the way.  Our first month of “trying” lead to a miscarriage, which was pretty devastating for me.  I never had experienced anything like it.  It is said to be very common but after having 3 normal healthy pregnancies, I never thought much about it.  It sucks! It breaks your heart in ways I never knew possible.  We got through it and decided to keep trying and here we are 18 weeks and counting.

I have done a lot of things differently with this pregnancy because of the miscarriage, I had all the genetics pre-screens and I am doing all the optional testing because I want to make sure this baby is healthy.  Once you are over 35 you are considered “high risk”.  It sucks!! You start to doubt your body and wonder should I have really agreed to this.  Those are temporary thoughts though and drift away with a simple baby belly flutter.

The thoughts that have been staying are the thoughts about being an “older mom” and the future.  There are things about myself that I really want to change, mostly my outlook  on life and how I spend my time.

Right now I am floating in this in between space, I have been a bit lost the past few weeks.  I felt like I truly got through my divorce after 3 years of drama.  I finally built up my independence but then the my business sold, we are buying a house, Daniel and I tied the knot and went from being business partners with a baby to a real no bullshit family.  What does this mean for me?

Were all my feminist ideals about being independent lost when I said I do?  Did I lose my identity when I sold my business? Am I really too old to have another baby? Do I have to reinvent myself, again?

In a lot of way yes and in a lot of ways no.

I did not change my last name and my husband does not expect me to.  I might one day but for now I can still be me, just married.  So I am holding on to a little part of my feministic ideals but allowing myself to be happy.

I had to find a new job.  It took me a while but I am so happy! I am back to working with kids again and teaching.  The best part is I am still an independent contractor and make my own hours and I never have to leave home.  The entrepreneur life for me!!

I think my age is irrelevant.  I feel great and I am totally healthy.  I am ready to have this baby.  I know lots of “older moms” who never missed a beat.  This is not my first rodeo so I think I will be ok.

I do think I need to reinvent myself because I was stuck in the between.  I think I was trying so hard to not go back to being “just a stay at home mom” that I forgot how much I actually enjoyed it sometimes.  I think I was almost afraid to say I wanted to find a way to work but be close to home.  I think selling the business was a risk and a huge “what if” but I am glad we did it and I am excited to be less stressed.

So here we are in July and I want to make a resolution to allow myself to shine and get out of my own way.  I need to stop focusing on what I lost or do not have and start to see all the potential again.   I need to be happy in the moment and be present with my kids, and my husband not always searching for the next client or opportunity.   I need to work when it’s time to work and let things go when I am off the clock.  I need to allow myself to live and not push so hard for success that failure feels like it’s chasing me.

Being an entrepreneur is hard.

Being a mom at any age is hard.

Being a wife is hard.

Here is to my mid year resolution and doing it the hard way!!